Mother’s Day doesn’t come with a disclaimer, so STOP doing it on Father’s Day

You know what I’m talking about:

“To all the real fathers holding it down, and the mothers who are also acting as fathers, Happy Father’s Day!”

This is entirely too tacky to me. If that offends you, my apologies that you’re offended, but I’m not apologizing for expressing this point of view.

On Mother’s Day, it is extremely rare to see fathers being acknowledged for being the sole parent in their children’s lives. I personally know several men who have sole custody of their children, and there’s not a mother in sight.

I grew up with a young lady whose father had sole custody of her and her sister, and he provided food, clothing and shelter, did their hair, attended their “tea parties,” talked to their teddy bears, sat through them making up his face and putting ribbons and bows in his hair, explained their menstrual cycles, bought their feminine hygiene products, gave them the “sex talk,” and all the other stuff a parent does when he has the singular responsibility of raising his children.

About a year ago, I met a man who was raising four children (one set of twins) after their mother simply ran off. When she left, all his children were three years old and under. He was working full-time and coaching basketball, and he showed me a picture of all four children lined up side-by-side in their car seats at the gym while he coached his team. He had to fight with his family to keep his children with him, because his mother and sisters all wanted him to allow the children to be separated between them. He refused.

And, what about the fathers who’d like to be “holding it down,” but some selfish woman won’t allow them to?

You know who that chick is.

She’s the one who uses her child as a pawn to manipulate the father.

He wants to see his child, but she won’t let him because she doesn’t think he’s offering her enough money. He wants to give what money he can, but she doesn’t accept the little he has to offer because by not taking it she thinks she has the right to keep him from seeing and/or talking to his child. Since she went through the labor, she thinks she holds all the cards, so she refuses to think of her child and the child’s need to interact with his/her father, and this chick tells anyone who will listen that her child’s father hasn’t come around or helped financially with the child’s upkeep.

Don’t think I’m not aware that there are men who aren’t taking care of their children. I know they exist.

However, there are mothers who are just as neglectful and selfish as dead-beat fathers, and we don’t have the same disclaimer on Mother’s Day:

“To all theย real mothers holding it down, and the fathers who are also acting as mothers, Happy Mother’s Day!”

There may be some of you who go this route, but it is far, far, far less prevalent than this recent trend of singling out certain fathers from other fathers.

It’s like this…

The fathers who are “holding it down” are going to get their recognition from those who know them personally. They’ll get the phone calls, the Father’s Day cards, the ties, the gift cards to Best Buy and Home Depot, the cake and ice cream, the dinner at the local buffet, the “thanks for being a good father” sex from their partner, etc.

The fathers who aren’t “holding it down” will get what they give; nothing.

That, in and of itself, totally negates the need for anyone to add insult to injury by declaring admiration for the real fathers.

Think about it…

When you say that, you also run the risk of hurting the children who see that and possibly think, “Here’s another reminder that my father doesn’t care about me or love me or think about me.” What’s even sadder is that they may not even know they think that way. They just know when they see that disclaimer they feel sad and hurt, but they can’t express where it’s coming from.

The way I see it is that dead-beat fathers (and mothers) should get no recognition at all, but they are given recognition when you make the point of highlighting the real parents. You give them recognition by pointing out that there are fathers who aren’t real, which is inaccurate on its face. I mean, if you help create a child, regardless of whether you’re providing support for that child, you are a father (or mother), if only in name.

In all actuality, no mother can take the place of a father, even if she has to fill certain aspects of that space, just as no father can take the place of a mother, even if he has to fill certain aspects of that space.


who decides how much you have to do to be considered a real father? Did I miss the memo? Is there an analytic tool?


Happy Father’s Day to all fathers in general and to Carson Fields, Jr. in particular, who’s been married to my mother for over 42 years and helped her raise my older sister, me and my younger brother, plus our “adopted” brother, and who, during the early years that he and my mother were married, agreed to help my mother provide a home for many of her younger sisters and brothers. Happy Father’s Day, Daddy. I love you!


About a year ago I received a request on my personal Facebook account to reconnect with a person from high school who I hadn’t seen in over 20 years. I was very happy to hear from her, so I of course accepted her friend request right away. I then sent her a message telling her it was great to be reconnected and asking her what she’d been up to.

I didn’t get any reply to my message, but I did start receiving emails from her about her Avon business.

At first, I didn’t know how I’d been added to anyone’s Avon mailing list, so I just deleted the first one without even looking to see what is was.

The second time it happened I actually opened the email and scrolled to the bottom to unsubscribe. It was then that I saw the name of this person from high school who I’d “friended” on Facebook. She, apparently, got my email address from my Facebook information and just added me to her mailing list. She didn’t ask or even tell me she wanted to add me. She just did it.

After I finished unsubscribing from her mailing list, and then reporting her as a spammer to Avon, I “unfriended” her on Facebook.

This may not be a big deal to many, but I simply do not like this.

This has also happened with my cell phone number. On four different occassions, I had to ask to be removed from “distro-texts.” One person was texting me weekly to remind me to listen to his radio show, which I never listened to in the first place. The other three people were sending “inspirational” texts.

Yes, these are all harmful, but the common denominator is that I didn’t ask to be sent this information. All four times, I thought it was just a one-time thing, so I didn’t immediately ask to be removed. I think that encouraged more texts. I finally texted them all and asked not to receive their information.

It’s not that I don’t want to be inspired and/or informed. It’s that I want to have a choice!

The worst email I ever received was from a chick who wrote, and I’m paraphrasing, “I know you might not know me, but because some idiot (her word, not mine) you know doesn’t know how to use blind CC, I got your email in an email that was sent to me, so I added you to my mailing list…” I wanted to be mad at her, but she was just taking advantage of the situation. When I emailed her and asked not to receive anything else from her, she 100% complied. I’ve never heard from her again.

It probably wouldn’t bother me so much if I hadn’t made a deliberate and conscious decision to never, never, never add people to any of my mailing lists without asking first. I generate tons of content all over the web, and it’s tempting to just send what I think is my amazing writing to every name in my address book, but it’s just not good manners.

Having said all that, let me repeat my recent tweet: “Y’all, please, if I give you my cell number or my email, please don’t put me on your distribution lists without asking me first, please. I know you mean well, but I get enough texts and emails as it is. I’d like to have a choice before I receive more.”

I said “please” three times. That has to count for something. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Yes. It could be worse, but my pain is real, too.

A statement that I dislike, more times than not, is “it could be worse.”

You know what? On its face, that’s true, but it’s bad for me right now. It may not be as bad as someone else’s situation, but it’s my situation and I’m in pain over it right now.

Don’t abridge what’s going on in my body/mind/spirit to tell me “it could be worse.” You’ve just totally negated whatever it is I’m trying to deal with/work through.

Let me get through this process of dealing with what I’m dealing with, and eventually I’ll get to “it could be worse.”

Shoot. Maybe I’ll never get to “it could be worse,” but that’s my privilege. Don’t try to control how I feel.

We don’t always make it better for others by instructing them to look on the bright side. Sometimes there is no bright side. Some things are just bad, vicious, evil. Let me face it as it is, and let me decide how to feel about it in the end.

“Always trying to see the bright side in every situation may cause you to miss an eclipse.” -Faydra D. Fields (yes, you’ll see that in a volume of “30 Quotes 30 Days” ๐Ÿ˜€ )